To Say You Are My Friend......
What is a friend anyway?
Well I have 225 according to Facebook, a fair proportion of which I have actually met in person (probably not too typical of social media in general).
Parking the virtual world for the present, I guess we all start making friends early on in life, usually one or two then maybe a whole bunch of them. With me, that was the pattern. By the time I'd left secondary school there was a group of ten/twelve of us who'd meet up at the pub and get pissed together while we planned the next adventure. As people found girlfriends/boyfriends, they joined the merry band for a while and, over time, numbers dwindled and we all moved away. Even Friends ended after ten seasons.
I'll be there for you (When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you (Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you ('Cause you're there for me too)
In the Friends theme tune, it's all pretty clear. A friend is someone who is there for you when you need them.
But is that true? Someone who is always there? We spend considerable amounts of our life interacting with the same group of people, whether it's family, social or work life but that time together doesn't make us friends necessarily. Or even friendly.
I know some people (most?) have close family relationships which mimic close friendships. I guess it's likely to happen if you share the same space for long enough (c/f school friends) but it's certainly not inevitable. I have five brothers, only a couple of which I would consider as being close. Girlfriends/Wives can end up being friends as well as lovers and companions. I've been lucky enough to have ones who were and still are, in the BFF category. The same can happen of course with your relationship with your child(ren) if you have any. I wasn't particularly close to my father, was to my mother but that wasn't a friendship. I do have a good relationship with my son, bordering on friendship (which is excellent of course)
Those early friendships from your youth are still usually there in varying degrees and there are one of two who I'd still consider very good friends after forty years or so. Often though, long term friends are scattered around the country/world so the best they can offer (assuming they know there's a need) is the non face-to-face support of phone/email etc. Even when people are geographically closer, everyone has their own lives and responsibilities which take up time and support for friends can end up being pushed back to the end of the queue/back of the mind.
So if it's not defined by longevity or availability to provide support then how about "I'll be there for you" as in "give a damn/actually care".
I moved to York about six years ago and have met lots of people within the city and further afield, mainly due to becoming involved in the music scene. I am constantly surprised how new people I meet (especially musicians) initially appear cold/unfriendly but when you dig a little deeper are incredibly lovely/friendly souls. I'm sure that the reverse is true i.e. people initially (possibly still) think I'm an unfriendly person especially if they only see me waiting to go up and sing at an open mic somewhere when I'm completely focused on the performance. What seems to be more common than not however is how these relative strangers do give a damn and show it by their actions (one of my favourite quotes is that one about "it's not what you feel that defines you, it's what you do") I am very grateful for their acts of kindness but it doesn't mean that we're friends.
I reckon the fundamental characteristic of friendship is the deep understanding between two people. If that's there then the basis of a deep friendship is there as well. Whether it's been a month or a lifetime, if it's there then you've got a friend (to quote Carole King :-) ). Which is a comfort to me at least, as it means that new friendships are always a possibility. As long as you/I allow people to get to know you. Not sure about that bit though....
