You've Got A Lot Of Nerve

To Say You Are My Friend......

What is a friend anyway?

Well I have 225 according to Facebook, a fair proportion of which I have actually met in person (probably not too typical of social media in general).

Parking the virtual world for the present, I guess we all start making friends early on in life, usually one or two then maybe a whole bunch of them. With me, that was the pattern. By the time I'd left secondary school there was a group of ten/twelve of us who'd meet up at the pub and get pissed together while we planned the next adventure. As people found girlfriends/boyfriends, they joined the merry band for a while and, over time, numbers dwindled and we all moved away. Even Friends ended after ten seasons.

I'll be there for you (When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you (Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you ('Cause you're there for me too)

In the Friends theme tune, it's all pretty clear. A friend is someone who is there for you when you need them.

But is that true? Someone who is always there? We spend considerable amounts of our life interacting with the same group of people, whether it's family, social or work life but that time together doesn't make us friends necessarily. Or even friendly.

I know some people (most?) have close family relationships which mimic close friendships. I guess it's likely to happen if you share the same space for long enough (c/f school friends) but it's certainly not inevitable. I have five brothers, only a couple of which I would consider as being close. Girlfriends/Wives can end up being friends as well as lovers and companions. I've been lucky enough to have ones who were and still are, in the BFF category. The same can happen of course with your relationship with your child(ren) if you have any. I wasn't particularly close to my father, was to my mother but that wasn't a friendship. I do have a good relationship with my son, bordering on friendship (which is excellent of course)

Those early friendships from your youth are still usually there in varying degrees and there are one of two who I'd still consider very good friends after forty years or so. Often though, long term friends are scattered around the country/world so the best they can offer (assuming they know there's a need) is the non face-to-face support of phone/email etc. Even when people are geographically closer, everyone has their own lives and responsibilities which take up time and support for friends can end up being pushed back to the end of the queue/back of the mind.

So if it's not defined by longevity or availability to provide support then how about "I'll be there for you" as in "give a damn/actually care".

I moved to York about six years ago and have met lots of people within the city and further afield, mainly due to becoming involved in the music scene. I am constantly surprised how new people I meet (especially musicians) initially appear cold/unfriendly but when you dig a little deeper are incredibly lovely/friendly souls. I'm sure that the reverse is true i.e. people initially (possibly still) think I'm an unfriendly person especially if they only see me waiting to go up and sing at an open mic somewhere when I'm completely focused on the performance. What seems to be more common than not however is how these relative strangers do give a damn and show it by their actions (one of my favourite quotes is that one about "it's not what you feel that defines you, it's what you do") I am very grateful for their acts of kindness but it doesn't mean that we're friends.

I reckon the fundamental characteristic of friendship is the deep understanding between two people. If that's there then the basis of a deep friendship is there as well. Whether it's been a month or a lifetime, if it's there then you've got a friend (to quote Carole King :-) ). Which is a comfort to me at least, as it means that new friendships are always a possibility. As long as you/I allow people to get to know you. Not sure about that bit though....

Girl From The North Country review (Old Vic production 2/9/17)

Girl From The North Country (bit of a review) - as someone who thinks only Dylan should sing Dylan songs (though I am unable to stop myself singing them) the play/musical did a really good job of presenting Bob's work with some really nice/imaginative arrangements. I was really surprised by how many they squeezed in and the range of songs from across his catalogue (apparently Bob gave the writer/director carte blanche rights to whatever he liked). After saying that it felt like there were two or three too many in the end and one or two too many medleys (some worked, some didn't).

But let me start again, from the beginning of the play (I'm not going to specifically reference any song titles as that was one of the best bits, not knowing what was coming up next). It was a relatively simple stage set with a cracking band of piano, bass and fiddle plus drums to one side which a couple of the cast played as they sang. A big(ish) cast of well known actors (though I didn't recognise any except for one from Father Ted :-) ) and a number of extra singers who boosted the chorus. The first song was really really good and had me in tears. A stunning start. The second one, not so much. It highlighted one of the flaws (in my eyes/ears) where a song had been selected which just didn't fit (I suspect it was just for the line which referenced Minnesota, the setting of the play). It was also sung in a more theatrical style (yes, I realise this is theatre but I think the show was trying for something different/more authentic with the rest of the songs). Generally though the singing was very good, especially where the cast provided backing harmonies. Lovely stuff. One of the things it did avoid (and I was dreading) was where the dialogue was contrived to lead into a song "You know I've always though of her as being JUST LIKE A WOMAN" :-)
A little bit on the play itself i.e. if you stripped away the music, would it stand up as a work? Yes and no. As it stands it probably should be titled Parents From The North Country as the 'girl' didn't have much of a focus for large parts. It was a pretty good story though, well told. The casting was always going to be tricky I imagine as they would have been looking for good singers and actors (where they broadly succeeded) My only issue was that they didn't look right, age/size wise. The mother was tiny and could easily play a teenager from a distance (which is the perspective in a theatre of course with no close ups) and the daughter was just about the tallest person on stage. I guess though they went for singing and acting first which is fair enough. Overall it was well worth seeing and very enjoyable for most part. It deserves to run longer than it is scheduled for at the Old Vic and would benefit from some pruning and reshaping on the way. 7 out of 10.
After saying that, the audience gave it a standing ovation so what do I know

CD of 'soundtrack' 

The Thoughts of Chairman Stan

It's Glastonbury season and it's impact ripples once again across the media - print, online, social and tv. Year on year the ripples get larger with now, what feels like, saturation coverage.

It got me thinking about big events, big stuff generally. A Facebook post today asked whether it is a festival worth going to, to which I replied "if you're invited to play on the Pyramid Stage then Yes". And yes I would too. But otherwise I definitely wouldn't be interested. Even if there was a free ticket (parking the whole debate about cost and worth). I remember being not that attracted to the idea of Glastonbury in the 70s (went to a few festivals then) and over the years as it's grown in size, becoming now a medium sized medieval town for the duration, increasingly less so. I've progressively favoured smaller and smaller music events where now often the most enjoyable is one at a small local venue. Bigger to me doesn't equate to better. In most things generally.

Talking about the 70s, I also remember having lots of discussions/arguments about politics, it being the era of Baader-Meinhof, The Red Brigade, PFLP etc (when I was in Israel around that time, a German girl looked at my passport photo and said "Ah, Baader-Meihof". I did have that look about me). It seemed to be everyone saying how bad the Right is/was (sort of an obvious position but still worth reiterating periodically) and which flavour of Left was best. It struck me after a time that, in my head, it wasn't so much about Left or Right but about Big or Small.

The good thing about 'big' is that you can get more things, and more complex things, done. Which may or may not be a good thing depending on what the thing is and the knock on effect. Big business can create lots of jobs and wealth/money of varying degrees depending where you are on the food chain. It also can have an effect of stifling the small/independent businesses and it seems lead almost inevitably to corruption of one sort of another.

When it comes to multi-nationals and governments then potentially even more so. Even with layers of government/consultation, the individual becomes buried within the huge mass. Yes I voted to stay in the EU, mainly because I didn't feel comfortable siding with the vocal Leave people who appeared xenophobic at best. I like the idea of being able to move freely, a very positive outcome of the united Europe but can see how it has come at a cost where power is wielded further and further away from the individual.

I like the idea of small. Small so you and others can identify with the thing. Small so you can have some influence over it and care about its future. Ultimately we are all individual people living in a small network of friends/family/colleagues etc. Caring about those around you must be the starting point of living a good and fulfilling life. Trying to change the bigger world by making things bigger and having more power to do bigger stuff? Seems like there's more examples of it leading to bad rather than good outcomes.

After saying that, I joined the Labour party earlier in the year because Jeremy Corbyn seemed like the first politician for many a year who I had any time for, and just maybe if he is elected to run this shambles he may be able to make things better. Worth a try anyway, before it all goes to hell in a handcart

Starbucks, Stonegate, York

Coffee House: Starbucks, Stonegate York

Drink: Latte

Cake: Blueberry Muffin

Yes, Starbucks. May or may not make me a bad person. Coffee and a muffin tastes ok anyway.

Now. The Present.

There's a thing that some people say about how you should be living for now/in the moment. The implication (actually more of an accusation) being that you aren't doing this and therefore you're missing out, whereas they are and are living life as it should be lived.

So what is 'now' and is it such a great thing to focus on?

Well I'm not convinced that 'now' exists at all. It's really only an infinitely small amount of time between the past and the future. We create the past with every passing moment and move into the future similarly. What people really mean of course is that you shouldn't be focusing on stuff from a while back and/or worries and preoccupations that you might have. And that you're failing to do stuff now because it's never the right moment, that would be some time in the future.

OK, so let's take a look at that thought. What it really says, I think, is that you should act as if there is no past and potentially no future and therefore you can and should do whatever you want to live this moment to the full. The Mayfly approach.

Well there was a time when I liked to think that this was the way to live. I have been accused of using the phrase "the time is now, man" when asked what the time was. I was about twenty at the time and still deny that I actually used those words. But I probably half-believed it anyway. I certainly kept moving on in my early years of adulthood, determined to have a life and not be stuck with the mundane/boring ones that appeared to be everyone else's. Living that way, essentially refusing to take any responsibility to anything or anyone beyond yourself, certainly helps in moving forward to new things but can often lead to a great deal of unhappiness with those you touch along the way.

I still try not to get too bogged down with the rest of the world. I can no doubt come across as distant when meeting new people and the other side of the coin is that I don't attract m/any new friends. It's a bit like songwriting though. There's so many brilliant songs already out there, why try to write one yourself (in spite of this I have tried to do this recently) With friends, if you have one or two good ones, you're lucky and probably don't need m/any more.

So, from the grand perspective of sixty+, life does look a little different from life as a twenty-something. The past isn't something to be dismissed. Neither is it something to be wallowed in. It's there and its what makes you, you. All of the good and bad times along the way lead up to where you are at this moment and you are a product of it. There's the James Stewart/Wonderful Life tale which teaches us to be careful what you wish for. In that case looking backwards and wanting to change the past.

And the future. Be careful what you wish for. Well, yes and no. Or maybe just no. I reckon you should dream about new/different stuff ahead. Definitely. It's a bit sad when you meet people who broadly just want things to remain the same.

A lot of people I know are now moving into being grandparents and are now looking after their grandkids (I thought that was the job of parents) Seems like they're trying to extend (and/or do a Wonderful Life thing and change) the time when they're raising their kids. Nothing wrong with that in itself of course but the danger is that their world becomes smaller and smaller as they focus on other people's children.

But what do I know. I haven't any grandkids and sincerely hope that I don't have any. At least not for another ten years or so. Living in the moment for me means living like nothing has changed from when you were twenty-something and all things are still possible. But taking a little time to ensure that you don't mess up other people's lives as you do move forward.

Our House (Again)

Coffee House: Our House (Again), York

Drink: Sainsbury's Taste the Difference Costa Rican Arabica Instant Coffee

Cake: A 'Nana

WHAT, ME WORRY?  Indeed. As if. 

We all do of course, sometimes just for a moment, sometimes for what seems like forever. And the worrying can vary from a slight disquiet, a little tremble in the tummy through to a debilitating angst which pretty much shuts down all of your functions.

My guess is that virtually everyone thinks that everybody else doesn't have a problem or at least nothing of the same magnitude as the one that they have. We all live in a very subjective world of course and see and feel things in our own way. There is great commonality though and we all ultimately are born, do stuff and die. I don't think the worry/stress thing is dependent upon your particular socio-economic group or locality. You can be care-free and broke and stressed out and rich. And vice-versa.

So we all go through periods when life seems to be working against us and it feels like an impossible task to juggle all of the things that need juggling (the spinning plate thing). So, what's the plan, Stan? Well, I have one, Of course. And it is/has always been - avoid putting yourself into a stressful situation in the first place

I've spent virtually all of my adult life trying to live by this maxim. But at the same time, taking whatever opportunities came along to do stuff. Otherwise it would be just a case of get born and then die. I've jumped around career-wise - walked away from 'safe' jobs, gone off traveling in the pre-internet days when the world was a very strange place, split up relationships and embraced new ones. All of these and more could have led to major stress. But they generally didn't.

The first thing I've always did/do is try to put things into perspective. What's the worst that can happen? You die, right? So? I've gone through extended periods of not particularly valuing this life and broadly take a view that I don't have a 'god-given' right to 70 years on the planet and if it ends today then I've done pretty much everything that I wanted to do anyway. Well everything that wasn't bordering on dreams. (this was equally true when I was in my twenties, Couldn't see the point of living beyond 30. As it happened life beyond thirty was pretty good but doesn't invalidate the perspective)

So, first off - it's no big deal. But there's a stage before that which is to avoid the stress in the situation in the first place, as opposed to avoiding the situation. For that I plan. I make lots of lists and review them and go over potential scenarios in my mind on a regular basis. Even down to going into Starbucks and ordering a coffee. I'll practice whilst in the queue the exact words I'll say when it gets to my turn. Odd I grant you given that it's not like I'm having to order in French or something. Anyway, it works for me. That and avoiding situations that I didn't want to be in, in the first place. One thing to be stressed because you're doing the thing you love and want to get it right. Another to be stressed out doing stuff you have no interest in. Just say No.

Which brings me to performing. In my case singing, playing the guitar but it could be whatever we do which we think is really key to who we are. Well I do a little bit of practicing/rehearsing though I'm not overly keen. I was a very bad student at school and still hate learning new stuff. Probably accounts for the large percentage of older sings in my repertoire. So I have a number of songs ready to sing and a place decided upon to sing them (I very rarely do this on the spur of the moment)

On the run up to the thing I may or may not go through the classic feelings of self-loathing when I'll convince myself that I have a terrible voice, the songs have no worth as they may have been written by someone else, everyone else plays better guitar. This usually fluctuates with - I have a fantastic voice, can sing any song brilliantly and transform it into a piece of absolute magic, and that I'm not a bad guitarist. The truth, as with most things in life, is somewhere in between. I think Abraham Lincoln said that

So then I do the gig, come off stage feeling it went brilliantly and this continues for an hour or so as long as at least one person has come up and said they liked what I did. Then a little later we're back to the beginning of the cycle. Just prior to the set I'll get a little apprehensive when I'm sitting around waiting to go on but feel like a veritable giant when I pick up the guitar and go to the mic. You have to believe at that moment that you're the best thing there is otherwise what are you doing there? It might go steadily downhill, or not, but you must force yourself to believe the unbelievable for as long as you can. If you really sat down and thought about it in a rational way, you wouldn't do it. You might as well be standing on a podium stark naked. (actually I think I could probably carry that off rather well) You need to remember all of the words and the chords/guitar playing stuff and then do that semi-automatically so that you can stand back and enjoy the performance yourself and express the feelings through the sounds you're making. Clearly an impossible task but that's what you try to do, sometimes succeeding

Yes, doing stuff that you want to do and enjoying it is the goal state. Avoiding doing the stuff you don't want to do and hating every moment of it is the other one. Oh, and give yourself enough time to do things. That's the advantage of being a guy/generally anti-social, we don't spend too much time talking to people and then finding out that we're running late...........

Our House, York

Coffee House: Our House, York

Drink: Sainsbury's Taste the Difference Costa Rican Arabica Instant Coffee

Cake: Nuffin :-(

Big Ideas, Images & Distorted Facts (line from Idiot Wind by Bob Dylan)

It must be something connected with feeling your days are coming to an end that makes people start to dig into their family history (or a desperate need to feel interesting by proxy maybe) My dad spent ages going back generations on the male side of the family (not a trivial task with a name like Smith) and one of my elder brothers has done it for my mother's side.

I have zero interest in it all. I have memories of both of my parents and vague ones of their's and that's good enough for me. Investigating beyond your own personal contact with people is fine and no doubt interesting if that's your thing but the relationship becomes an academic one where it is essentially a list of facts, lots of dates and who married who, begat who etc. It's nigh on impossible to get a true sense of who these people are.They are defined by what they did for a living, where they lived, went to school, married and ultimately died.

So forget about the past, how do we define people who we come in contact with today? Again the starting point is usually the 'facts' - all of the above plus, because it's easier to find out stuff about people still living, especially in a Facebook age, then it's also about who their friends are, what music they like, what tv they watch, their fixation of cat/dog videos etc. When you get to meet people, as opposed to the virtual/surreal world of social media, then other stuff comes into play. In particular the way the person looks.

Yesterday we spent the day having our picture taken by a very talented photographer, her very talented assistant and equally very talented makeup artist. So Ann magically grew hair and my eyes became bluer (a side effect being my inability to avoid blinking whenever the camera shutter clicked) The idea was to create a set of pics for the band website, posters etc. We definitely will have accomplished that and we're really looking forward to the finished photographs. What the day sparked though was a thought about image. We'll end up with a number of shots that show Ann & I dressed in various clothes, in various locations. That will say something in itself and when you add the facial expressions and body language then it will lead to more impressions of the two people. But will it tell you who we are? In this case we're not trying to display an 'accurate' picture of who we are, if such a thing was possible, we of course are trying to evoke something about the duo and the music we play.

We all spend time, to a greater or lesser extent, clothing ourselves in a particular way/style with whatever accessories and hairstyle. And that changes over time, maybe several times a day. We do it, at least in part I'd say. to make ourselves feel at ease with the situation we are about to encounter. Other people we meet then get an impression of us, even if they know us very well, about who we are. I'm purposely not covering verbal communication in this blog. As I said in a Facebook posting recently, I reckon it's rather overrated anyway.

So what impression do people get when they meet someone else? They see the clothes etc, they look at the face and body and make a, usually subconscious, value judgment on how 'pretty/good looking' they are and another impression about how the other person is feeling by the look in their eyes and the way they hold themselves. All of these things may or may not give a good sense of the person themselves.

So back to the genealogical manhunts, what remains of a person when they're gone? A bunch of facts of course about the when and where but these are not necessarily the real facts. Over time they become misread, misplaced if not blatantly twisted. Then there's the pics. Taken on particular occasions with the people trying to display themselves in a particular light under circumstances that may distort their 'at home' self. Then there'll be records of their achievements, especially if they had a few bob and were able to do big stuff.

But is all of this worth anything in the big scheme of things? I think it's highly likely when I pop my clogs that I won't be leaving much. if any. money. I have had money now in then in my life and successfully got rid of it a lot faster than it came (in the words of Richard Manuel "I just want to break even") Big stuff, I never had the urge to make a big impact on the world. Those who have/had a big idea and the opportunity to do something about it have. by and large. caused most of the man made problems in this world I reckon.

What I will leave behind is a son who has, in spite of/because of my lack of parental input, grown up to be a truly lovely guy. He'll have an impression of me that will last a little while. And then it's what I/you leave as a memory with the other people who you have come in contact with. That'll be our legacy, good or bad, for as long as they last. Probably best to try and make them good ones then I reckon.

(postscript - there's the written word of course but who believes in that stuff :-) )

Coffee House: M&S, Parliament Street, York

Drink: Latte

Cake:None (abstaining for a while)

100% Organic. 100% Fairtrade. 100% Rainforest Alliance Certified. Sadly tastes crap.

Blokes. Or first off - Blokey Blokes. You know the type of guys I mean? Not talking about the Old Git contingency with their bald heads and beer bellies who may or may not be blokey in their lifestyle. No, it's those guys (not an exhaustive list)

• usually 30+
• spend their lives talking about sport rather than participating in any (usually football but could be any that are currently being shown somewhere on some channel)
• drink lots of beer (and are fussed about how it's kept/poured/type of glass etc)
• hang around in groups of ,almost exclusively, guys

All of which reinforces the pack mentality to view the world from a misogynistic, homophobic and general blanket bigoted perspective.

It's possible, of course, to have some of these attributes without being a blokey bloke. There are lots of people/friends who like sport but don't fall into the boorish behaviour category. And you can be a racist and not be a blokey bloke.

No, blokey blokes appear fairly harmless from the outside. 'Just the lads going out for a drink with their mates. Away from the girls'. (I've used the male gender throughout here but expect that there's a female equivalent) Mixing too much with them though can have a toxic effect, narrowing your perspective and reducing your capacity to view people as people rather than labels.

Now me, I avoid all male company as much as possible. Admittedly I generally avoid all company as much as possible but if I do find myself in a bar/party/whatever with a bunch of people who expect some interaction from me then I'd rather it be mixed gender. Or mainly female.

An aside here, and I think it stems from coming from the generation who went to single sex schools, I still find it hard to distinguish between liking/being a friend with a woman and fancying them. Nothing to do with physical attributes/'attractiveness' btw. I can be shallow but not that shallow.

No, the good thing about mixed company is that it reduces the likelihood of blokeish behaviour. You still get the odd 'post modernist' comment by some twat who thinks it's fine to insult someone with a racist/anti-gay comment because he was only being ironic or edgy. But there's less tolerance and usually more interesting conversation and more fun due to the lack of it.

Now I've recently started to revise my view on guy company as ,over the last year or so, I've mixed with a whole new category (to me) of blokes, and have found the experience surprisingly liberating. The category being Musicians. (Sadly there are relatively few women in this grouping)

As proved by a recent Facebook test, I am 0% hippy but have spent most of my life being viewed as something along those lines. The tag presumably meaning that I love all of mankind, animal/plant life and grain of sand. Admittedly I do have a broadly non-conformist take on the world and try to avoid falling into too many of the traps that limit your chance of being yourself. But I am a pretty stand offish sort of a guy.

What I have found though, with my interactions with people who sing, play an instrument in public, at least in the city of York, is a truly lovely openness and warmth of feeling to others within the clan. Almost without exception (though I do have a list of the exceptions) musicians who appear aloof/unfriendly when you first meet are incredibly welcoming when you go and say hello. I'm talking from a fellow musician perspective here. Can't guarantee the same response if you are a pissed member of the audience trying to say hello to Lemmy.

The first inkling that I may have encountered a new tribe (for me) was when I had a message back from a musician (guy) who added a x/kiss on the bottom of the page. It was the first time this had happened to me from a guy and I thought perhaps it was a sexual thing but decided I'd let it pass (not hung up on the straight/gay categorisations btw. I feel sexuality is a continuum between those two terms) Anyway, I thought no more about it but then noticed that it was a standard way of ending messages amongst musicians (younger people generally?) and was just showing affection.

Similarly, I have never been a hugging sort of guy. I never even shook hands with people until  I had an office job. We rarely hugged in the family and then it was a m/f embrace. So seeing musicians greet each other with a warm hug was again surprising but truly heart warming.

I've started to do my fair share of hugging now and I feel a better person for it. It's good to express warmth/love to others. It's taken quite a while for me to realise how important that is. Can't say I've completely overcome my ingrained/default position of avoiding contact with people but it looks like there may be a chink in my armour appearing